A new mom

Since becoming a new mom, my view of the world has changed. I don't want to watch the news, read the paper or watch any sad films. I only want to surround myself with happy things. I know that is totally unrealistic, but I'm so sensitive now because of Chloe. I'm getting a little paranoid too. And a little morbid I think. I constantly worry about something happening to my family members, my friends and other things I can't control. It's horrible. I lay in bed at night and think about all the horrible things that could happen. But really, what good does that do? Is that normal? Is it hormonal? I don't know. The one thing I do know is that my world will never be the same. Some days good, some days bad, but always moving in a new direction. Because of her.

The Challenge

The past couple of days have been challenging. Chloe is going through a growth spurt and is also getting more teeth. It's hard when you have a normally happy baby. The cries of pain go straight through your heart. We've been using homeopathic teething stuff that works pretty well, but she is also so stubborn that she won't go to sleep. Even now I am watching her roll around on the monitor as she fights her nap. But, these are the times when I need to remember that I am the parent and need to do what is right for her, like forcing her to nap. Sheesh. She's been up at night too, eating every 3 hours and not just for comfort. She is starving! I bought some food today and some disposable spoons to keep in my diaper backpack so that I can feed her when I'm out. When you nurse, you don't think about taking things for food with you. I just gotta get into the habit. Fortunately, she let me exercise this AM for 30 minutes so I at least got a little time to myself. Looking forward to doing my strengthening routine tomorrow! I haven't lost a lot of weight yet, but I've noticed that my body is changing in its shape and tone. Woot!

Stealing an idea

As I'm sure many of you have seen, at this time of year, people always write things on their blogs about what they are thankful for. A couple of mommy blogs I read also include letters to their children. So I thought that maybe I would combine both into a blog post. So, here is my letter to Chloe and why I am thankful for her:

Dear Chloe,
You are now 5 months old. Practically a teenager in my eyes. You are growing so quickly, changing everyday. When I look back at pictures of you when you were born, I can hardly believe that you have morphed into the infant you are now. Gone is that fragile, wobbly, screaming baby and in her place is a sturdy little girl, ready to sit up on her own and take on the world.

Our path was rough. Just getting you here into the world was ugly. I haven't even written about my labour because I've pretty much blocked it from my mind. I don't want to re-live that experience. To quote dooce "it sucked and then I cried".

Nursing you was such a challenge. There were many days and nights filled with tears over why I was in so much pain and why we weren't having this awesome experience that I heard about. And I suppose that is somewhat still true. I can't wait until you are 1 and you can start having cow's milk. I would like my body back please. I've shared it with you for 14 months already. But that's ok as I see how you are thriving with nursing and I wouldn't have it any other way.

We could also talk about sleep. You do not sleep well at night. My mom says it is payback from when I was a child as I was a poor sleeper as well. It's so frustrating when strangers go "oh she should be sleeping through the night by now". Well you don't. (See, cranky from lack of sleep)

But would I change anything? Not at all. I really can't remember what my life was like before you were here. It's amazing how much love you can have for one little thing. Even on days where I am up to my ears in your poop and cheesy spit up, you flash me that smile and my heart melts. And now, there's even teeth involved. TEETH!

So yes, of course I'm thankful for you. I'm thankful for your smile, your laugh, your smell, your cuddles, the way you hang onto me when I carry you, the way you reach for me when I pick you up, the splashing in the bathtub and a myriad of other things that I can't even begin to list now. I'm thankful that we are going to be able to share a lot of firsts with family and friends too. First thanksgiving, first Christmas, first Birthday. You've already had your first trip to Disneyland. =)

So thanks for being you. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Love
Mom

new things

Today was my first session with a trainer at the gym. She is a sick woman but I also somewhat enjoyed it. Well, except for the part where I felt like throwing up about halfway through. But that passed with a little water. Other than that, she is setting up an awesome program for me that I will get to continue once I've used up my visits with her. I've decided to take Fridays off though to give my body a rest. I already went 5 days this week. =)

On another note, Chloe has 1 tooth already through the gum with its neighbor threatening to burst through any day now. She's also doing well with her cereal and applesauce. Next week we'll introduce either pears or sweet potatoes I think. I also bought her a sippy cup which she can grab and put in her mouth. She's not quite sure how to suck out of the spout yet but we are practicing.
She has also started grabbing onto the ottoman and standing up as she hates to be sitting in one place for more than a few minutes. I seriously think she has been on this earth before.

On a sad note, it is 5 years ago today that my grandma died. She was a wonderful woman. We all miss her and wish that she could have met Chlo as I'm sure she would have been so proud. But, I know she is watching us from heaven and guiding me in the right direction.

Happy Halloween!

Work out

So since I had Chloe, I've been sorta monitoring my weight. When I say sorta, I mean I get on the scale occasionally and go, "oh, I weigh the same now as I did when I got pregnant". Then sometimes I get on and it's like "oh crap I gained 3 pounds since yesterday, better stop eating all that cookie dough" (Like that will ever happen). However, I would really like to get back to exercising, but of course the big problem is being able to watch Chloe while I work out. Enter the possibility of Club One at Santana Row. They have nannies on staff to watch babies as young as 6 weeks! I know it's probably going to be expensive, but heck, I'll give up most of my coffee in order to get healthy. Plus, we're going to cut our netflix down to one at a time and make a few cuts elsewhere in our spending. Anyway, we are going in tomorrow morning for a free tour and a free workout with a trainer. I'm feeling motivated since seeing my dear friend Bee's great success with a trainer. If I could only achieve a fraction of what she has then I would be happy. So, free is free and we'll be at the gym tomorrow AM to see everything. Will let you know how it goes.

Harmony

So I've become a regular visitor to the Harmony Birth Center in Campbell over the past few weeks. They offer a lot of pre-natal services but also do a lot of post-natal work as well. I've been going to the breastfeeding class there on Tuesday. It's great to be with other bf moms and to hear that everyone is going through the same thing. Plus, the lactation consultant who runs the class gave me a few tips and changed the way that Chloe had been latching and since then I've had almost no pain when feeding her. Today, Chlo has gone 8 days without a bottle of formula to supplement. Of course, she will have to have a bottle here and there as I haven't got a store of milk pumped yet and I have a wedding and some chiropractic seminars to go to this month. But I am going to try to pump more to get a store going in the freezer for when grandma or dad is watching her and I'm out.

I also started a yoga class too with Chlo. It's not a lot of exercise, but it's fun to play together and I get some stretching in. It's amazing how tight my body is, especially my legs. I can't even keep my heels on the ground when I bend over. Before Tim started the budget season, I was pretty faithful about doing Wii EA exercise. However, since he's been working so much, I haven't been able to pass her off to him as much to exercise. But, now that the budget is done, I'm hoping to get back to that routine. Also, Chlo is getting better about taking regular naps in the day, so that will be my time to exercise. I only have about 4 pounds left to lose to get back to where I was before I got pregnant, but really I'd like to be another 15 pounds lighter overall so that will be my goal. Plus, once Julia gets back from Spain, we are going walking with the kiddos.

They also offer massage at Harmony which I think I am going to have to take them up on. They are pretty reasonable and also have services for dads as well. I'm thinking a "soothing stone massage" is in my future soon =)

Where I've been

It's amazing how time flies, huh? Sorry for the delay, all 3 of you who read my blog. =)

Chloe is now 3 months old. She is growing so quickly and changing every day. I looked back at some of her pictures last night on my phone from when she was born. What a tiny little thing she was! Tim and I were at hockey last night and I missed her so much that I had to look at the pictures on my phone. I'm THAT mom now.

Chloe is such a good baby. She only cries when she is hungry or tired and I've pretty much figured out what cry means what. We definitely have our ups and downs, but more ups really.

It's been a struggle nursing her, as I've had some trouble with pain, but I'm glad that I have persevered because I see how healthy she is and I know that it's the best for her right now.

The one thing I am looking forward to is her sleeping at night without needing to get up to eat. Right now she goes to bed about 10-10:30 and then wakes up about 3 or 4 to eat and then again at 6 or so. Then, we're up for the day. I always needed lots of sleep and loved to nap on a regular basis before Chloe. However, I think that once you have a baby, your body just changes to need less sleep. Because really, it's not about you any more.

And now, my days are filled with feeding, laundry, feeding, playing, singing songs, dealing with more poop and pee then I could ever imagine, more feeding, spit up, and more poop. But I wouldn't change a thing. As Tim and I keep saying, what did we ever do before her?

The first motherly rant

I will preface this post with a warning. This is about mom stuff. It will be one of only posts I make about mom stuff as I don't want to bore my tens of readers with inane drivel. However, today an outlet is needed. You see, Chloe will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. Tim and I have managed to keep her alive for 5 weeks now. Congrats to us is in order. However, after 5 weeks, I am starting to feel the weight of the world crushing down a bit. I've had a few teary days here and there, which I know is normal. However, today I cried for no reason because frankly, I'm so tired. I have always loved sleep. Naps were the highlight of my weekend. Now, those days are a distant memory. Last night I slept on the couch with Chloe on me and had to feed her every 2 hours. She must be growing. I know people say that it will get better, but the light at the end of that tunnel is hard to see right now. Tim has been wonderful in all this. He is my rock and my biggest support. But, since his boobs fail to produce what our daughter needs, he's a little left out. Even now as I write this I feel the tears welling up. It is hard for Tim to grasp as well, because there isn't one particular thing that is making me sad right now and there is nothing he can fix. His kindness and patience is a gift that I am so grateful for. So in the end what does this mean? Until she starts sleeping through the night do we just continue to suffer and keep that little ray of hope in our minds and hearts? I guess so. You can see how this is disheartening though, no? Anyway, that's all for now. Don't want to be redundant. Maybe tonight will be a better night. Maybe.

updates

I realize that I have been negligent of the blog over the past month. I'm thinking its because of my new increased use of Twitter and occasional perusal of Facebook. So, baby was due on Friday and is now late. They will let me go until a week from Friday and then I will have to be induced =( My plan is to really do this naturally and let her come when she is ready, however, my OB said that the risk to the baby is just too great after 42 weeks. So, we shall see. She did also say that most people don't get past 41 before they deliver on their own, so fingers crossed that she'll be here by the end of the week. I'm not dilated yet, but that doesn't really matter. She is in position already and the OB could touch her head today. She's going to be a whopper as well, OVER 8 pounds. I don't look forward to pushing that girl out, but I know she's going to be big and healthy so I'm excited about that! Plus, I know that babies usually lose a little weight in the hospital so we shall see. Hopefully the next update will be with pics of our baby girl! Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Countdown

2 days until I'm done with work until September. I'm having a lot of mixed emotions right now. Hard to put into words. Excited but sad, identity lost? Hard to say...

update

Hello all! Sorry it's been so long since I blogged, however, life gets in the way a usual. Just a quick update. I am now 33 weeks pregnant and had my midwife appointment today. My blood pressure, weight and belly size are all perfect. Her head is already down and she is in good position. I cant believe that she will be here in a little under 7 weeks. I am so ready to meet her! Tim was a little sad I think because we don't have another ultrasound now because everything is going so well. I also have to drop off my pre-registration form at the hospital next week. It's becoming more and more real!

1st row loss, but still 1st row!

Our new "hotel style" bed

Can't wait for the feet that will fill these booties

A bit of nostalgia.

Don't feel bad about laughing. The best part is when his little legs get going and yet he still falls off!

This is so good!

Family picture

Tomorrow we get to see what Stanley Peanut looks like. Our next ultrasound is at 10:45. I'm excited but very nervous. Watch this space for a full report!